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e-mail them to me at

adominationdiva@yahoo.co.uka

Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

~

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."




....."Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!!!!"

~

Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.

~

Difinition Of Surpirse

~

A Death Penalty

~

Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

~

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

~

Ron and the Blonde

Ron, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar
around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared
up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Ron and said, "Do you think
he'll jump?"

Ron says, "You know, I bet he'll jump. "

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Ron placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're
on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the
guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her
$20 to Ron, saying,
"Fair's fair.

Here's your money."

Ron replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think
he'd do it again."

Ron took the money.

~

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you s who want off,
get the f # ck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you s
who are getting on, get the f # ck on, cause we're going down the
tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train,but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say,

'All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to
take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with
us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all
of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on
the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...'For those of you
who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*itch
in the kitchen.'

~

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! ... He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map,
hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD , SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"

~

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."



~

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent. "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

~

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want
to die in peace, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

~
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

~

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

~

A married man was having an affair with
his secretary. One day they went to her
place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up
at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and
told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

~

Five secrets of a perfect relationship

1-it's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2- it's important to have a woman who makes you smile and laugh.

3- it's important to have a woman who you can trust and who will never lie.

4- it's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

5-And it's absolutly vitally important that none of these women know about each other.

~

A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and reaslistically. Dad says "thats' hard but I had an idea"

" Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million quid" Which he did and his mum said "yes"

Dad says " ask your sister if she's sleep with the coal man for 2 millions quid" So he does and the sister says "yes"

Dad says " there you go son, thats your answer, theoretically wer're sitting on 3 million quid, realistically we're living with a couple of slappers !!!

~

Women eh !! boob jobs, nose jobs, tummy tucks, botox, peirced ears, nipples and clits, eyebriows plucked.

Bikini lines, arm pits, and legs all waxed but they still won't take it up the arse because it hurts ??????

~

Too often we lose sight of lifes simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only4 to extend your arm and slap the git !!!

~

His & Hers diary page 21st nov 07

HERS: he was very quiet tonight, Something is wrong, he hasn't kissed me all night. I think it's another woman !! I went to bed and cried, he came to bed late and I cugddled up to him. We made love and fell asleep in each others arms.

HIS: England lost I'm bloody guttd, got a shag though.

~

He laid her on the table, so white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms, then stuffed the christmas turkey.

~

No Toilet Paper

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to dry herself with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said.. "From all of us at the Fire Station - We'll never
forget you!"

~

Creation

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty Years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

~

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish or,
your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the
most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will
swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I
will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world
by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of
the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let
them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women are nosey and never listen!!!

~

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...

When you cry...

No one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

When you are in pain...

No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...

When you are worried..

No one sees your stress.

Sometimes...

When you are happy..

No one sees your smile .

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!! Just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

~

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia. "Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you

~

Ugly girl in the pub says to a guy " If you can guess my weight you can shag me all night",

He says" 93 stone you fat bitch", she says, "close enough you lucky bastard ! "

~

A nurse walks into a bank to pay in some money. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

Realising her mistake she looks up at the cashier and says " well thas great, some arseholes got my pen !".

~

Paddy and murphy in the jungle by a lake when they see a mans head sticking out of a crocodile .

Paddy says to Murphy " look at that flash git in his Lacostse sleeping bag.

~

After great sex my Thai girlfriend lies there stroking my penis.

I ask her "do you want more sex?"

"No" she replys, "I'm just admiring your cock, I really miss mine"!

~

" iris men making letter bombs. Pat says Mick do you think I've put emough explosive in this envelope?

"don't know says Mick, "open it and see"

"but it'll explode" says Pat

"Don't be fucking stupid" says Mick, "it;s not addressed too you!"

~

Little boy and his dad in the park, the son jumps on a butterfly. The dad says" Right no butter for a month"

The next day while playing football with his dad, he jumps on a bee, "right no honey for a month" his dad says.

The day after, they go shopping as a family and while in a shop his mum sees and steps on a cockroach,

The little boy says to his dad " are you going to tell her or am I"?

~

A man shouted to his wife " come and have a look at my clock!"

She walk in to find him with naked with a hard on.

She says " that's not a clock"

He says " It will be when you've put your hands and face on it"

~

Every day a man walks up to a lady co-worker, takes a deep breath and say's to her " your hair smells nice !!"

After a week of this guy doing this she has enough and pays a visit to the personel department. Once there she puts forward a claim of sexual haressment against him.

After reading the complaint the personel manager asked " what's wrong with this man saying that your hair smells nice?"

To which she replies " it's keith the dwarf "

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions.

~

Realizing it could get a bit boring he decided to lighten the mood, so he asked a young woman "Do you know what your arse hole is doing when you have an orgasm?"

She replied " probably watching footie down the pub with his mates !! "

~

Bloke goes to the doctor as he's been having trouble with premature ejaculations.

~

The doctor said to him " when you are feeling like you are close to cuming give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.

2 weeks later the doctor sees the man again and asks him how it went.

Bloke says " Not good, we were doing a nice 69 and I felt myself close to coming so I fired the starter pistol in the air, next thing my wife @#%$ on my face, bit my bell end off and the milk man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up"

~

How to Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man:Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging outside of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy it her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

~

Two priests are off to the shower late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim
light and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look." says the first nun.
It's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his
manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then
twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells.

" Holy Mary, Mother of God; Hand Lotion, too!"

~

Fire Fighters from the tri state area all joined in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in a steel fence.

It took several hours to extract her
from her predicament. Fire chief Stiffie said this was a pretty tough rescue,

it took us quit a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence. All though the girl's entrapment was never life
threatening, it did take careful planning and gentle handling to safely
remove her.

She was taken to several area hospitals where she was examined and released.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."

~

~

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! ... He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map,
hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD , SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"

~

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

~

Man and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorillastarts to get a heard on as he sees the wife.

Husband says "Lift your skirt and tease him", the gorilla goes mad. " Now get you tits out!" says the husband.

The gorilla goeas berserk. The husband opens the cage and throws in his wife and says " now tell him you've got a head ache !!".

~

Paddy phones for an amulance as his mate's benn hit by a car.

Operator asks where the accident is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus rd.

He's asked " how do you spell that?". The line goes quiet for 5 mins. The operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says, " sorry about that, I've just dragged him to number 3 Oak st....

~

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head

~

Ozzy Radio - THIS IS TRUE

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone
number) for verification.. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"